Understanding Gottman’s four horsemen in co-parenting communication

After separation, communication between parents can often become strained.

What may start as small disagreements can gradually turn into repeated patterns of negative interaction. Over time, this can make co-parenting feel more difficult and stressful than it needs to be.

One useful way to understand these patterns comes from psychologist John Gottman, who identified four communication behaviours that can damage relationships over time. These are often referred to as the “four horsemen”.

Importantly, he also identified ways to counteract these behaviours, often called the “antidotes”.

Understanding both the behaviours and their alternatives can help parents recognise unhelpful patterns and begin to communicate in a more constructive way.

Recognising negative communication patterns is the first step towards improving them

Recognising negative communication patterns is the first step towards improving them

What are the four horsemen?

The four horsemen describe four types of negative communication that can escalate conflict and make resolution more difficult.

They are:

• Criticism

• Contempt

• Defensiveness

• Stonewalling

  
  

These behaviours can appear in any relationship, but they are particularly common when emotions are high, such as during or after separation.

Criticism and gentle start-up

Criticism involves attacking the other person’s character rather than focusing on a specific issue.

For example, instead of raising a concern about a particular situation, it may come across as blame or generalisation.

Over time, repeated criticism can make the other person feel targeted and less willing to engage in constructive conversation.

A more helpful approach is a gentle start-up. This means raising concerns in a calmer, more specific way, focusing on the situation rather than the person.

This can make it easier for the other parent to listen and respond without becoming defensive.

Contempt and building respect

Contempt is often seen as the most damaging of the four behaviours.

It can include sarcasm, dismissive comments, or speaking in a way that makes the other person feel belittled or disrespected.

In co-parenting, this can quickly increase tension and make communication feel hostile.

The antidote to contempt is building respect. This involves acknowledging the other parent’s role and contributions, even if there are disagreements.

A more respectful tone can help reduce hostility and create space for more productive conversations.

Defensiveness and taking responsibility

Defensiveness usually appears as a response to criticism.

It can involve denying responsibility, making excuses, or shifting blame onto the other person.

While it may feel like a natural reaction, it often prevents meaningful discussion and keeps conflict going.

Taking responsibility, even in a small way, can help move conversations forward. Acknowledging part of the issue can reduce tension and make it easier to find solutions.

Stonewalling and taking a break

Stonewalling happens when one person withdraws from the conversation altogether.

This might look like avoiding messages, refusing to engage, or shutting down during discussions.

While it can sometimes be a way of coping with overwhelm, it often leaves issues unresolved and can increase frustration for both parents.

The alternative is to take a break in a more constructive way. This means recognising when things are becoming too intense and stepping away temporarily, with the intention of returning to the conversation later.

The impact on co-parenting

When these patterns become part of regular communication, they can affect:

• Decision making about children

• Day to day arrangements

• Handovers and routines

• Overall stress levels for both parents

  
  

Over time, this can also impact children, who may become aware of ongoing tension between parents.

A more constructive way forward

Recognising these patterns is the first step towards changing them.

Mediation can provide a structured and supportive environment where parents can:

• Become more aware of how communication is happening

• Focus on practical issues rather than personal conflict

• Develop more effective ways of having conversations

• Work towards clearer and more manageable agreements

  
  

The aim is not to remove all disagreement, but to handle it in a way that reduces conflict and supports better outcomes.

Moving forward

If communication has fallen into negative patterns, it does not mean it cannot improve.

With the right support and awareness, many parents are able to shift how they communicate and reduce ongoing tension.

Conclusion

Gottman’s four horsemen and their antidotes offer a helpful way to understand why communication can sometimes feel so difficult after separation.

By recognising these behaviours and making small changes in how conversations are approached, parents can begin to create more constructive communication and a more stable co-parenting environment.

If communication has become a challenge, there are ways to move forward and improve how these conversations take place.