Adult sibling disputes: when brothers and sisters can't agree
Updated: 2 days ago
You might never have imagined that you and your brother or sister would end up barely speaking.
But family relationships can change when circumstances change.
An ageing parent may need more care. Decisions may need to be made about where they should live. One sibling may feel they are doing everything, while another feels excluded from important decisions.
There may be disagreements about money, the family home or an inheritance.
Or perhaps the disagreement has been building for years and a particular event has finally brought everything to the surface.
Whatever the reason, disagreements between adult siblings can be incredibly difficult to resolve.
Because you're not simply dealing with the issue in front of you. You're dealing with a shared history, old frustrations, different expectations and a relationship that may have existed for most of your life.
And sometimes, the more you try to resolve it between yourselves, the harder it becomes.
When adult siblings dispute about an ageing parent
One of the most common situations where adult siblings can find themselves in conflict is when a parent becomes older or needs additional support.
Perhaps one sibling lives close by and has taken on most of the day-to-day caring.
Another sibling may live further away, have work or family commitments, or simply have a different view about what should happen next.
One might feel:
"I'm the one doing everything, and nobody appreciates it."
While the other might feel:
"I'm being left out of decisions about my own parent."
Neither person necessarily believes they are being unreasonable.
They simply see the situation differently.
This can make conversations very difficult, particularly when emotions are already running high.
What if you can't agree about care?
There can be difficult decisions to make.
Should Mum or Dad remain living at home?
Would additional professional care help?
Would moving into a care home be the best option?
Should a parent move in with one of their children?
How should the practical and financial responsibilities be shared?
These aren't always questions with an obvious answer.
And even when siblings agree about what needs to happen, they may disagree about how it should happen or who should take responsibility.
Mediation can provide a structured space for those conversations.
It doesn't mean that everyone has to agree with everyone else.
It means creating an opportunity for each person to explain what matters to them, listen to the other perspectives and explore what might work going forward.
What about money, property and inheritance?
Family disagreements aren't always about care.
Adult siblings can find themselves in conflict over:
who should contribute financially to a parent's care
how costs should be shared
the family home
whether a property should be sold or retained
repairs and expenses
inheritance
perceived differences in how parents have treated their children
what should happen to possessions or other family assets
These issues can be particularly sensitive because money often brings other emotions with it.
What appears to be an argument about £10,000 might actually be about years of feeling that one sibling has been treated differently.
What looks like a disagreement about a house might really be about who feels responsible for Mum or Dad.
Understanding what sits underneath the disagreement can sometimes be just as important as finding a practical solution.
Sometimes the argument isn't really about the argument
Family history has a habit of coming into the room.
You may hear things like:
"You're always treated differently."
"I'm always the one expected to sort everything out."
"You only get involved when there's money involved."
"You've never listened to me."
These feelings may have been there for years.
And once they become part of a current disagreement, it can be almost impossible for siblings to have a productive conversation without someone feeling blamed, attacked or misunderstood.
That's one of the reasons having an impartial third person can make a difference.
Can adult siblings use mediation?
Yes.
Adult siblings can use mediation when they are struggling to reach an agreement about a family dispute.
The mediator doesn't decide who is right.
They don't take sides.
They don't tell you what you should do.
Instead, they provide a safe and structured environment where everyone involved has an opportunity to be heard and where difficult conversations can take place in a more constructive way.
The decisions remain with the people involved.
That is important because the outcome needs to be something the family members themselves can accept and work with.
You don't have to agree about everything
One of the misconceptions about mediation is that everyone needs to reach complete agreement.
That's not necessarily the case.
You may still have different views at the end of the process.
You may still remember events differently.
You may not suddenly become close again.
But you might be able to agree on what happens next.
You might agree how care responsibilities will be shared.
You might agree how a particular expense will be dealt with.
You might agree how decisions about a parent's future will be discussed.
Or you might simply find a way to communicate without every conversation turning into another argument.
Sometimes that's enough to create a way forward.
Mediation isn't about finding a winner
When families are in conflict, it's understandable that people can start thinking in terms of winning and losing.
Who is right?
Who is being unreasonable?
Who has done more?
Who should give way?
But family disputes rarely have a simple winner.
Even if someone gets exactly what they wanted, the relationship may be damaged further in the process.
Mediation takes a different approach.
It's about understanding the issues, identifying what matters to each person and seeing whether there is a way forward that everyone can live with.
And where legal rights or responsibilities are relevant, people can take independent legal advice alongside the mediation process.
What happens if we've stopped speaking?
Sometimes the problem has gone beyond disagreement.
Siblings may have stopped speaking altogether.
Messages may go unanswered.
Other family members may have become involved.
Christmas, birthdays and family occasions can become difficult or even impossible.
At that point, the idea of sitting around a table and "just talking about it" can feel unrealistic.
Mediation can offer a more structured way to restart that conversation.
It doesn't guarantee reconciliation.
It doesn't require anyone to forget what has happened.
But it can provide a space where the conversation can begin again.
Finding a way forward
Family disagreements between adult siblings can be some of the hardest disputes to resolve.
There is usually far more at stake than the immediate issue.
There is history.
There are relationships.
There are parents, children and other family members who may all be affected.
And there can be a genuine desire to find a solution, even when the people involved have completely different ideas about what that solution should look like.
You may not be able to change what happened in the past.
But you may be able to find a better way of dealing with what happens next.
Mediation can provide the space to have that conversation.
If you and your brother or sister are struggling to resolve a family disagreement, mediation may be worth considering.
At New Moon Mediation, I can help adult family members explore whether mediation is suitable for their situation and, where appropriate, provide an impartial space to work through the issues together.
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