Can mediation help with an inheritance dispute between siblings?
Inheritance disputes don't always start with the inheritance itself. Sometimes they are part of a much wider disagreement between siblings about money, responsibility or what is fair.
When a parent dies, there is already enough to deal with.
There is the grief. The funeral. The paperwork. Sorting through a lifetime of possessions.
And, for many families, the practical decisions that come with dealing with an estate.
Then there is the inheritance.
What should happen to the house? Who gets what? Was Mum or Dad's will fair? What about the money they gave one child during their lifetime? And what about the sibling who spent years helping with their care?
These questions can quickly become difficult conversations.
And sometimes, the disagreement about the inheritance isn't really about the inheritance at all.
Sometimes an inheritance dispute has its roots in disagreements that began much earlier, particularly where siblings have different views about caring for an elderly parent.
That's not fair.
Those three words can sit at the heart of many family disputes.
One sibling may feel they have done more for their parent over the years.
Another may feel that they were treated differently.
Someone may have given up work, travelled regularly or provided practical support, while another sibling lived further away and contributed in different ways.
One person may believe Mum or Dad always intended things to be divided equally.
Another may remember a very different conversation.
Everyone can have their own version of what happened.
And when emotions are already high, it can become very difficult to hear what the other person is actually saying.
When an inheritance dispute becomes a sibling dispute
The difficult thing about family disagreements is that they rarely start on the day the disagreement becomes obvious.
There may be years of history sitting underneath it.
Perhaps the siblings have never particularly got on.
Perhaps there has always been a feeling that one child was the favourite.
Perhaps one sibling feels they have carried the responsibility for the family while the others have been able to get on with their own lives.
Perhaps there was an argument years ago that was never really resolved.
Then a parent dies and suddenly everyone has to make decisions together.
An inheritance can become the point at which all of those old frustrations come back to the surface.
The conversation about the house becomes a conversation about everything else.
And that is often when things become difficult.
So, can mediation help?
Potentially.
Family mediation isn't only for couples who are separating. It can also provide a structured space for family members dealing with difficult disagreements.
But mediation isn't about deciding which sibling is right.
It isn't about telling one person they should accept less.
And it isn't about a mediator deciding what Mum or Dad would have wanted.
My role as a mediator is not to take sides or become a messenger between family members.
It is to help people have the conversation that they are struggling to have themselves.
That might mean talking about the practical issues surrounding an estate.
It might mean exploring what each person believes is fair.
It might mean understanding why keeping the family home matters so much to one person, while another feels it needs to be sold.
Or it might mean finally talking about something that has been causing resentment for years.
Sometimes, once people have had the opportunity to explain what is important to them, the problem looks slightly different.
That doesn't mean everyone suddenly agrees.
It means there is a better chance of understanding what the disagreement is actually about.
But what does the will say?
This is an important distinction.
Mediation is not a substitute for legal advice.
If there is a question about the validity of a will, someone's legal entitlement, a potential claim against an estate or another legal issue, you should take appropriate legal advice.
A solicitor can advise you about your legal position.
Mediation can then potentially help you and your family have a conversation about what happens next.
Those two things can sit alongside each other.
Knowing what your legal position is does not necessarily mean you know how to have a difficult conversation with your brother or sister.
And sometimes knowing the legal position is only one part of the problem.
What if one sibling feels they have done everything?
This is a situation I think is particularly important.
Imagine one sibling has lived close to Mum for years.
They have taken her to appointments, done her shopping, dealt with paperwork and been the person she called when something went wrong.
Their siblings may have helped in other ways; perhaps financially, perhaps by visiting when they could, perhaps simply by being there when it mattered.
But after Mum dies, the question becomes:
Should everything really be split equally?
There may be a perfectly legitimate legal position about what happens to the estate.
But there is also a human conversation about how each person feels about what has happened.
Those two conversations are not necessarily the same.
Mediation can provide somewhere to have the second conversation.
What if we aren't speaking?
Sometimes the inheritance is simply the latest chapter in a much longer family breakdown.
Siblings may have stopped speaking years ago.
Perhaps communication is now limited to emails about practical matters.
Perhaps other family members have become involved, passing messages between people who no longer want to speak directly.
That can make even straightforward decisions incredibly difficult.
Mediation can't force people to rebuild a relationship.
And I wouldn't suggest that it can.
But it can sometimes provide a structured way of communicating when doing it alone has become too difficult.
You don't have to resolve the whole history of your relationship.
You may simply need to find a way to deal with the issue in front of you.
Does mediation mean we have to compromise?
No.
Mediation isn't about coming into the room having already decided what you are prepared to give up.
It is about being willing to listen, explain your own position and explore whether there are options that might work.
Sometimes that leads to an agreement.
Sometimes it helps narrow the issues.
Sometimes it simply helps people understand why they have reached an impasse.
And sometimes mediation isn't suitable.
That's okay too.
Mediation isn't the answer to every family dispute.
What if we just can't agree?
This is perhaps the most important point.
You may not be able to change what happened.
You may not agree about what your parent wanted.
You may never agree about who did more.
And you may not become close again.
But there may still be a way of dealing with the disagreement without allowing it to consume the family.
Because sometimes the question isn't:
Who is right?
It is:
What can we do from here?
That is often a much more useful conversation.
Could mediation help your family?
There is no guarantee that mediation will resolve an inheritance dispute, and some situations will need legal advice or formal legal proceedings.
But if you and your siblings are stuck, mediation may give you an opportunity to have a different kind of conversation.
A conversation where everyone has the opportunity to explain what matters to them.
Where you can separate the legal questions from the personal ones.
And where the focus is not on winning an argument, but on seeing whether there is a way forward.
Because an inheritance dispute can be about money and property.
But it can also be about fairness, recognition, responsibility, old grievances and family relationships.
Sometimes, the inheritance is simply where the disagreement finally comes to a head.
At New Moon Mediation
At New Moon Mediation, I work with families who are struggling to have difficult conversations.
That might be between siblings, between parents and adult children, or across a wider family.
I don't decide who is right.
I don't tell people what they should agree to.
And I'm not there to pass messages backwards and forwards.
My role is to create a space where people can have the conversation themselves; with some structure, some support and, hopefully, a little less heat.
If you're dealing with an inheritance, property or other family dispute and you're wondering whether mediation could help, get some help and we can explore whether it might be suitable for your situation.
For further information on dealing with financial affairs of someone who has died, visit the Citizens Advice.
And for a guide on Civil Mediation, www.gov.uk
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